Tuesday of this week marked 6 months since Mommy has been gone from this physical plane. I am still cleaning out her room, her closet and dresser. Still disbursing her items to those in need and those who can be blessed, even now, by her generosity. I am still living with her personal items around me everyday. At the same time, I am working on turning my house back into myhouse. I re-arranged my bedroom to the way it was before I had to listen out nightly in case she needed something. I got a new bed for myself and moved my old bed into her room to make it a guest room.
In order to make room for my bed to go in, I moved my shoe racks and my laundry hampers across the hall to the third bedroom. Once my bed was in place, I looked across the hall to that room with my shoes so nicely lined up and thought to myself, “I could make this whole room my closet if I wanted to!” Needless to say, I have yet to bring my shoes back across the hall. I think the closet idea is in the works!
I have seen a lot of co-workers face-to-face recently who have called me “world traveler” because they see that I post from all sorts of locations monthly. I have planned a trip for myself for 7 of the 12 months of this year. But really, that’s who I am. I love to travel and I tried to do as much of it as I could when I was a primary caregiver. Like I have said before, when Mommy got her wings, I got mine too. And we are both learning how to fly again.
I am making a lot of changes. But they are changes that bring the real “me” back. And honor my respect for myself, my body and this life that I have been given. But I am only making changes as fast or slowly as I want to. I refuse to be stagnant or to live in the past too much. Because that does me no good and does not honor my Mom and the person that she helped mold me to be. I am a lively, vibrant mover and shaker. And I am always going to show it. I also don’t feel any pressure to finish moving all of her belonging and be completely finished at any specific measure of time. I will get to it when I get to it. When I feel up to it and I can appreciate the work I am doing. Not dread it or be bummed out by it. It’s like creating little projects for myself instead of one big ball of stuff that needs to be unraveled. So, I will just do the medicine drawers one day. And just do the dresser top another day. And just go through jewelry at a different time. I will get done eventually.
All in all, I am feeling pretty good about my progress and moving along at my own pace. I still feel honored that I got to play a role in my Mom’s life over her last decade that was different from any other aspect of our relationship before her stroke. I know she is at peace and I am enjoying peace too.