Tuesday of this week marked 6 months since Mommy has been gone from this physical plane. I am still cleaning out her room, her closet and dresser. Still disbursing her items to those in need and those who can be blessed, even now, by her ge...
I think I am starting to feel a connection to working out regularly and being aware of what I should eat. Notice, I didn’t say that I feel the connection to eating the right foods in the right portion sizes. Because I am not all together there yet. But I do understand that if I get it together, I could experience some greater success. I am beginning to see the physical results of working out regularly. It turns out that regularly for me has turned out to be 3 – 4 days a week for weights and cardio. Daily, I am more cognizant that I feel better when I maintain the schedule that includes a workout with a trainer at the start of the week and a workout every other day on my own. And now I am finding that I have to wear a belt with my pants again. I am not seeing a lot of pounds dropping when I stand on the scale. But I am noticing monthly that I have a lower BMI (less body fat). And I have fewer jiggly spots. I think I like seeing the physical changes and it makes it more motivating for me to keep going.
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So I am at the 9 week mark of working with a dietician and I am beginning to grasp a new mindset. I am starting to think in terms of food groups and portion sizes. I still have to measure things in order to be absolutely sure that I am...
I find myself at a point that I never imagined myself in. Not good or bad. Just unexpected and my reality:
1. 50 years old and unmarried
2. Living with and caring for my Mother for almost 10 years
3. 2 cats
4. 20 pounds over the weight where I am most comfortable
5. Very mad at specific men that makes me not trust any man to get close to me
6. Unhappy and disappointed in myself
7. Not coping well with the loss that if feel and trying to ignore it everyday
There was a time when, even though I tried to fight it off and not let it in, the voices of others and how they defined me spoke to me louder than my own voice. As I ended a bad marriage of 3 years, it took me almost 2 years until I was built back up again. Only to allow myself to be defined 5 more significant times by people who had their best interests at heart, not mine. The last time this happened was just in the past year.
So, as I took down the 2016 calendar where my goal was to lose 10 pounds over the course of the year, I looked at January – my starting weight. Then, I looked at December – my ending weight and I had changed by 9 pounds. But not by losing them. I gained 9 pounds over the course of the year. That made 3 years in a row where I had gained. And then I realized that I have fallen out of love with myself. I tell myself affirmations daily and I don’t hate on my body anymore in words or thoughts. But I don’t think I believe or trust my self-talk to myself. Somewhere in me, I lost respect for myself as I worked harder and did more for others than I would do on my own behalf. I let myself down and I broke my own heart.
I have been trying to find a way to apologize to me and to commit to myself and forgive myself for my own contributions and actions in my past. And I think I really need to go back to square one. Spend time with myself and my thoughts. Allowing myself time to heal and to once again appreciate me and all the wonderful things I bring to the world. I am valuable. I am important. I am smart. I do have worth. And none of this is determined by others. And if no one else in the world sees this in me that does not mean that I should be silenced and take these gifts away from the world. I need to bring my full self with me everywhere I go. And I need to confidently speak up for myself everywhere I go. My heart and my consideration and compassion for others will keep me from becoming an egotistical jerk. So, I’m not out to get a big head but I don’t want to downplay myself for anyone else’s comfort.
It’s time to put me back on my priority list. And I need to honor myself inside and out. Consistency will be the key. I can’t just be good to myself once a week. I need to be good to me everyday. I do this through the foods I eat, the water I drink, the walks I take, the books I read, the music I listen to and the things and people I say NO to in order to get to my ultimate goals – not being derailed by others. And I will tell myself that I am truly sorry and I will believe it this time because I am my authentic and true self. I will save myself a lot of hassle in the future when I open my mouth to say how I feel instead of opening my mouth to eat my feelings and bury them. Taking a walk to clear my head may prevent me from not being able to fall asleep because of so much on my mind. Writing all of this stuff down actually helps me to breathe better, deeper and stress dissipates. Listening to music instantly changes my mood when outdated tracks start playing in my head. I have been spending more time each day with God and this has been going on for most of 2016. I have been reading the Bible and praying each morning (sometimes praying with the wrong focus for the wrong things – but I have also received Divine correction). I have been listening more and recognizing and acknowledging the Holy Spirit as it works in my life. And this is leading me toward scriptures that feed me just what I need when I need it. So I am working on appreciating me – mind, body, soul. And being grateful for all that I have, all that I am and all that I bring to the world.
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