Victory in Life and Death

I have to tell everyone who reads this that I know God works in my life and in the lives of those connected to me.  And God was the orchestrator of the way things went with my Mom's passing.  I don't think that we could have had a more loving...

Won’t He do it!?

I just have to take a moment and explain what I have experienced spiritually over the past week.  I have been a bit stressed (as you can imagine) with the race against time that it seems that my Mom is involved in.  The catch 22 between aggre...

Things I see and feel today

It is a very interesting time right now.  Mommy is in CCU. Cardiac Care unit.  Critical Care unit is how it feels.  Life and death decisions are being made here everyday.  In some ways, I don't think we need to be here.  She st...


So the hospitalization continues.  Thankfully, Mommy made it out of ICU.  She is now in PCU, the medical progressive care unit.  She has been in this unit for going on 7 days now. It allows eyes on her regularly and it allows the rapid r...

I See You

My Mom is currently in the hospital.  She has pneumonia, congestive heart failure, aortic stenosis (narrowing of the aortic valve),  and lots of fluid in her lungs in addition to the pneumonia.  She is in the ICU and has been there for 3...

I See You

My Mom is currently in the hospital.  She has pneumonia, congestive heart failure, aortic stenosis (narrowing of the aortic valve),  and lots of fluid in her lungs in addition to the pneumonia.  She is in the ICU and has been there for 3...

Exactly What It Takes

It's getting very close to the time that I leave for vacation.  I want to be able to take a mental and physical vacation away from home with no caregiving responsibilities. There are a lot of things that I am going to do in order to be able t...

Real Change Takes Real Effort

I am coming to the end of the time that I have been working with the nutritionist.  I have all the tools I need to be successful in eating in a healthy, complete, nutritious, portion-controlled way.  So, it really is all up to me to do it.&nb...

Adding to the mix

So I am at the 9 week mark of working with a dietician and I am beginning to grasp a new mindset.  I am starting to think in terms of food groups and portion sizes.  I still have to measure things in order to be absolutely sure that I am...

The Struggle is Real

I find myself at a point that I never imagined myself in.  Not good or bad.  Just unexpected and my reality:

1.       50 years old and unmarried

2.       Living with and caring for my Mother for almost 10 years

3.       2 cats

4.       20 pounds over the weight where I am most comfortable

5.       Very mad at specific men that makes me not trust any man to get close to me

6.       Unhappy and disappointed in myself

7.       Not coping well with the loss that if feel and trying to ignore it everyday

There was a time when, even though I tried to fight it off and not let it in, the voices of others and how they defined me spoke to me louder than my own voice.  As I ended a bad marriage of 3 years, it took me almost 2 years until I was built back up again.  Only to allow myself to be defined 5 more significant times by people who had their best interests at heart, not mine.  The last time this happened was just in the past year.

So, as I took down the 2016 calendar where my goal was to lose 10 pounds over the course of the year, I looked at January – my starting weight.  Then, I looked at December – my ending weight and I had changed by 9 pounds.  But not by losing them.  I gained 9 pounds over the course of the year.  That made 3 years in a row where I had gained.  And then I realized that I have fallen out of love with myself.  I tell myself affirmations daily and I don’t hate on my body anymore in words or thoughts.  But I don’t think I believe or trust my self-talk to myself.  Somewhere in me, I lost respect for myself as I worked harder and did more for others than I would do on my own behalf.  I let myself down and I broke my own heart.

I have been trying to find a way to apologize to me and to commit to myself and forgive myself for my own contributions and actions in my past. And I think I really need to go back to square one.  Spend time with myself and my thoughts.  Allowing myself time to heal and to once again appreciate me and all the wonderful things I bring to the world.  I am valuable.  I am important.  I am smart.  I do have worth.  And none of this is determined by others.  And if no one else in the world sees this in me that does not mean that I should be silenced and take these gifts away from the world.  I need to bring my full self with me everywhere I go.  And I need to confidently speak up for myself everywhere I go.  My heart and my consideration and compassion for others will keep me from becoming an egotistical jerk.  So, I’m not out to get a big head but I don’t want to downplay myself for anyone else’s comfort.

It’s time to put me back on my priority list.  And I need to honor myself inside and out.  Consistency will be the key.  I can’t just be good to myself once a week.  I need to be good to me everyday.  I do this through the foods I eat, the water I drink, the walks I take, the books I read, the music I listen to and the things and people I say NO to in order to get to my ultimate goals – not being derailed by others.  And I will tell myself that I am truly sorry and I will believe it this time because I am my authentic and true self.  I will save myself a lot of hassle in the future when I open my mouth to say how I feel instead of opening my mouth to eat my feelings and bury them.  Taking a walk to clear my head may prevent me from not being able to fall asleep because of so much on my mind.  Writing all of this stuff down actually helps me to breathe better, deeper and stress dissipates.  Listening to music instantly changes my mood when outdated tracks start playing in my head.  I have been spending more time each day with God and this has been going on for most of 2016.  I have been reading the Bible and praying each morning (sometimes praying with the wrong focus for the wrong things – but I have also received Divine correction).  I have been listening more and recognizing and acknowledging the Holy Spirit as it works in my life.  And this is leading me toward scriptures that feed me just what I need when I need it.  So I am working on appreciating me – mind, body, soul. And being grateful for all that I have, all that I am and all that I bring to the world.

Visit Our Website